Clues

Being a mother and parent requires many different skills.  You will be forced to wear many hats under this guise of parenthood.  You will be the head chef, the cleaning crew, the party organizer, the handyman, and spiritual advisor.  Of all titles in the potpourri of identities, my detective hat has served me well in solving the hard cases in motherhood.  The sharp intuitive skills given to mothers, equip us with the single best gift in detecting clues of heart and soul. With this sharp intuition,  I often think I could be a forensic scientist or perhaps a detective in the police force.

People have a way of saying many things without using a single word.  Their behavior and attitudes are telltale signs of what is in the heart.  Sometimes children (and people at large) are obvious and sometimes they are coy.  In order to read these signs, you must first tune in.  Each child has their own way of sending clues and speaking without words.  Do not be too busy to notice signs and clues.  If there is something you find troubling, you must study...study the behavior, study the demeanor, study what tips off a meltdown.  Study their friends, the food they have been eating, the movies they have been watching, what is going on in their social media and books they read.  Study relationships within the family.  Start asking questions.  Be available.  Let them know you see them and desire to know what is in their hearts.  Identify the behavior that you see as red flags.

In order to achieve success in cracking any case, there must be a solid level of trust and a considerable amount of availability.  They must feel that you are truly interested in them and trust your intentions.  They must know you are willing to go the distance with them and that you desire only what is for their own good.  When they get older, you must spend individual time with them so they may have access to you alone.  This may mean you just sit quietly in the same room with them.  It doesn't need to cost money.  They need time to open up.  It's hard to pour out your soul out to someone in a hurry.  Some children feel more comfortable corresponding in letters.  Encourage this if you feel you have a child too shy, introverted or emotionally charged to speak directly at first.  With older children, offer books on topics you feel will speak to them.  Do not be afraid to try whatever it takes to keep at it.  Although the foundations for laying this safety net are best laid out in early years of rearing, it is never too late to reach your child and start these practices at any point.

I find that all children desire to be seen (deeply) and have their hearts heard.  As the parent, hearing through their words and getting to the heart of the matter often trips up even the most experienced parent.  So often we bring our own issues to the table and can not hear properly.  If you can get far enough into the process, you will find the core issues likely stem from some type of fear.  Perhaps there is a deep need that requires attention.  It may take heroic patience and often bionic strength to presevere in this exercise.  If they divulge their innermost thoughts and take the courageous step to communicate,  do not belittle their fears.  Never do this, especially if you ever want them to trust you with their feelings and needs ever again.  Even the smallest fear can cause us to act out or behave irrationally at times.  Do not be afraid of their fears.

When Riley was in the 4th grade, I had an epiphany during one of her parent teacher conferences.  She was always a bright student who never struggled with her grades.  She could manage her homework quite proficiently and did not require a lot of attention in that regard.  Her straight A's and high test scores assured me of her capability.  Because there were other children new to the school scene, I focused my energies on the younger ones, trying to get routines in place.  I was busy making sure they had their homework done, checking calenders and helping the younger ones who needed help with their math facts.  

Suddenly, her A's dropped to C's.  She started "forgetting" to do her homework.  At the conference I sat puzzled with her teacher who also came from a big family.  She suggested that perhaps Riley was needing a little more attention from me.  My heart sank.  I felt she really nailed it.  How could I not realize she just wanted more time with me?  If her grades were good, I would busy myself with the others and make little mention of what was going on with her.  "Good Job" was about all she heard, or "keep it up, Riley".  She equally wanted my attention and care- not because she needed help with the school work or was incapable...but because it felt good.  It made her feel important.  She felt visible when I paid attention to what was going on in her 4th grade world.  Lesson learned.

I came home and made an effort to have her show me what was in her folder, what she learned that day, and even what she had for lunch.  I asked her about her friends and favorite subjects as I worked with the other children.  I even told her I needed her help to work with the other children.  She could be their tutor.  Since she was such a good student and had extra time, she could help me get everyone organized for the next day.  Almost immediately, the grades rose to prior levels.  She received what she was longing for and I learned to take the necessary time to listen and truly hear.

On a funnier and more practical detective note, I am most famous for my forensic skills regarding the "Billy Bob" episode.  Rianna had received a beautiful new doll for her 2nd birthday.  The doll was the type with a pretty face and plastic head with no hair.  Her body was the size of a real baby and had the weight of a real one too.  Rianna was thrilled and cherished this clean new doll that was all her own. Being the sixth child,  Rianna had more than enough dirty, naked, nappy haired, hand me down dolls.  This one was a prize.

It was the bloodcurdling shriek that propelled this detective into motion.  Screaming -being the obvious clue that something was wrong,  I dropped everything and went running.  It was the type of scream that indicates someone is bleeding..badly.  As I flew up the stairs, Rianna met me half way down sobbing, "Look at my dolly!" Her precious doll had only been in her possession for a week or less, and now she was hideous site.  Some culprit took a ballpoint pen and made a simulated "goat-t", satanic eyebrows, tribal war paint, scribbled hair and the words "Billy Bob" on top of her head.

I demanded to know who was responsible.  I immediately thought of the older boys who were 9 and 10 at the time.  It just smelled of boy humor mixed with boredom.  However, when I brought the doll to Sean, the 10 year old, he flew over the bed in hysterical laughter.  The surprise of it all told me he had never seen this before.  It did make for a hilarious looking doll...scratch Sean off potential suspects.  I next went to Sheila who was five.  "Sheila, did you write Billy Bob on Rianna's doll?"  She replied, "How do you spell Billy Bob?"  Scratch Sheila.  I was left with Melanie 13, Mitchell 9 and Riley 6. My bets were on Mitchell as he was known for these types of destructive stunts.  Melanie was off the list as she was beyond the maturity level for this type of entertainment.  She was a freshman in highschool.  So, that left me Riley and Mitchell.

I asked them again to no avail. I told them if someone didn't fess up, they would both be guilty and have to face equal punishment.  They were to go to a room upstairs and sit together until I told them to come down.  I thought the pressure from the innocent one would give way to the guilty party.  I thought their conscience would not want the innocent one to suffer punishment.  Though it was a great idea, it did not work.  They both insisted their innocence.  Suddenly, I had an even better idea.  I told them both to go upstairs with a pad of paper and ball point pen.  Each one of them were to write "Billy Bob" fifty times and bring it to me.  While they did that, I studied the letters on the dolls cranium.  I found the B to be the most distinct letter because it was written 3 times.  The culprit would have the matching B.  And so the mystery would be solved by handwriting analysis.  The guilty party turned out to be Riley.  Her "B's" were a perfect match.  I am glad my detective skills kicked in, otherwise I would have punished an innocent child.  Suddenly, I had a child who not only needed attention with respect to vandalism but she was a pretty comfortable and convincing liar ready to throw her sibling under the bus. Her consequences were going to have to do triple duty.

It has taken years to perfect my detective skills. The work is serious at times and can be comical as well.  The vocation of motherhood means there will never be a shortage of detective work to do or lack of clues to discover.  May uncovering the mystery of your children give you a great sense of purpose and fulfillment beyond measure.  I love being able to discover the beautiful mysteries of you.

Love,
MOM