The Constants of Parenting the Individual

When you begin your journey as a parent, you may experience situations that cause you to be at a loss.  What worked for one child, doesn't necessarily mean it will work for the next.  Because each child is born with their own personalities and are wired to communicate and process differently, their needs for parenting will have to be individualized as well.  This has been a journey for me, since there are so many of you.  Each one of you react differently to discipline, rules and the boundries that are set.  Some of you test the waters again and again.  Some of you are sensitive to the "look", while others need a little more theatrics to get your attention.  Some of you require hands on attention and some of you need your space...especially at different stages of development.

For all of the different styles and ways I've had to parent, there are a few things that remain the same.  Each of you know that I will not give up until I find the right way to get through.  If there is something I feel you need to address or skill you need to develop, I do not assume that you will "get it" eventually.  I actively pursue something new, even if it is out of my comfort zone.  It is unimportant to me how these corrections happen, just that it happens.  You have confidence that I will not give up on you.  I will always keep trying.

I have had to bend my mind in many directions to accommodate  new situations and new challenges.  I have sought the advice of other mothers I admire.  I carefully choose those who have pertinent advice to give.  The experience of reaching out has been humbling and fruitful on many occasions.  I seek help from professionals when the need arises.  I have prayed, I have read books, and I have stayed up nights thinking and thinking, until my brain hurt.  

As I individualized my method for mothering, there are things I notice that remain the same for all children.  The first constant in this process is being able to clearly define expectations.  Once you can define your expectations, be consistent in your effort and find effective consequence.  Each child has to understand what you expect for their stage of development.  Be clear and be direct.  Be able to define what you are trying to develop and where you are concerned.

The second constant I feel works (with most people in general) is to infer what you want.  Assert the child's potential, even if they are not fully where you want them to be.  Describe the child as if they already exhibited what you want.  For example, if you want to see responsibility develop, you tell the child you see how responsible they are.  Give them concrete examples of what they do that make you see this.  Mention any positive comments you have ever heard from others that also noticed this quality.  Tell them what they can do to show you they are growing in responsibility.  Be specific about what you want to see next.  Tell them how you will know they have matured to the next level of responsibility.
Suddenly, they are aware that you and others are noticing what they are doing.  This is enough to get their attention.  If they are clear as to what to do next, a desire fills them to show their responsibility more and more.  We all like to receive positive reinforcement and know that people notice what we do.

Always be able to explain a breach in the expectations.  Point out the failure and do so that they may clearly see the offense.  Try to incorporate how it effects the core character traits you are trying to instill.
Do not be afraid to write your thoughts in a letter as they get older. It gives them something concrete to process and it enables them to take some time to think and chew on what you are saying.  The emotions (disappointment, anger, sorrow, guilt and defensiveness) of the moment is removed.  You may also choose to give some encouragement and offer praise...I have never regretted doing this as it always produces fruit.  Especially if it is for no particular reason...just because.

The third constant, is being available to hear and listen.  If there is a serious offense against the family rules, take time to let them voice what is on their mind...even if you do not like it.  You will be establishing a practice of listening. This quality is important for all future relationships in life. This will open their ears a little more when you have something to say.  It is showing a respect for their thoughts and feelings.  This respect helps them hear you and take time to think about what you have said.  Try hard to let them talk with no interruptions and ask that they do the same.  I find this to be effective and we usually end on a positive note -giving each other a chance to express our love for each other.

I am excited as I daydream about all of my potential grandchildren...I hope I am blessed with many!!!
I look forward to seeing you all find your parenting style and hope you read your children well and
fearlessly parent accordingly.  I know you will make wonderful parents when the time comes, -loving and caring for each of your children as individuals.  I know you will seek wisdom when you don't know what to do and you will always invite God into the difficult process of raising children.
(Yes, I am inferring what I want here...take note:)

Love,
MOM