Make it Count

 Through the years, I have received many compliments about the way all of you get along and take care of each other.  I am proud others notice this quality of concern and friendship.  People see that you not only love each other but that you genuinely like each other as well.  This was no accident.  It was an important goal your father and I set for our family.

If we were ever to succeed in making harmony and unity happen, we would never let fighting and bickering overtake our household.  Fighting sends my reflexes into overdrive.  Disrespect is not tolerated.  Children only exhibit these traits if they are allowed to do so.  It is absolutely not allowed...at least if it's in my earshot.  I have proven how serious I can be on many occasions. You all could be sure that "something" was about to happen if dad or I ever had to get involved.  Through the years, you all have developed your own ways of working it out, simply because you like the outcome much better than if we had to get involved.  If things ever escalated, you could be sure to hear footsteps beating down the hallway or up a flight of stairs.  I don't come flying because its fun.  I come flying because if you hurt each other emotionally, you are hurting me.  If you hit one another, you might as well be hitting me.  We are connected.  If this mother bear will protect you from a random stranger, you can bet I will equally protect you from a raging sibling.

If arguments ever get out of control, you know I am going to ask you to "fix it." When I first started telling you all to do this, there were some pretty puzzled faces.  Physically, fixing a scratch or a bump is next to impossible.  The body has to heal itself.   Emotionally, "fixing it" is much trickier.  You can not see the wound, so it has to be identified.  This healing takes a little more effort.  There are words that need to be spoken.  Communication.  This takes a lifetime to perfect.  So, we practice it.

Apologies are a must.  Yet, empty apologies don't work very well.  In order to deliver a sincere apology, there needs to be empathy for the other person, putting yourself in each others shoes.  Imagine what it feels to be the other person.  There has to be contrition and a sincere effort to change. I know you are truly sorry when I see the behavior change.  I can also tell you are sorry when you try to make up for the misunderstanding by doing something kind for one another.  Sorry means very little if these incidents repeat themselves over and over.  Sorry is just an empty word without change.

If I catch a lighter disagreement early enough, one trick in my bag is to have you go to your rooms, sit on the bed cheek to cheek...literally.  Your arms have to be wrapped around each other in a hugging position for an allotted amount of time.  If there is resistance, the time increases.  When I come back in after time is up, I bring a camera to take a picture of this loving site...my goal.  Most times, the fighting turns to laughter and giggles before I leave the room.  The discussion turns to what a kooky mother you have! I also illustrate how silly I can be if you insist on being silly yourselves.

I have explained many, many times how the decision to have a large family wasn't only about the desires of your father and I.  We chose to have this large family so that you would be gifted with the love and support of one another.  Scratching each other's eyeballs out doesn't really fit in with that goal.  You are to view each other as a gift, not as a burden.  Cherished friends, not enemies.

So when your kids start to quarrel, be swift and mighty.  Teach and instruct.  You'll have to be committed to this goal.  It takes effort and creativity.  Do not expect harmony to happen magically.  If you are consistent, you will see results.  Do not forget your sense of humor.  Choose the issues you care about most and make it count!

Love,
MOM