Guilt and Shame...Gifts from God?

This topic is one that many parents do not spend much time thinking about with regards to themselves, let alone spend time teaching their children about.  The emotions of guilt and shame are universal and we all have had to deal with them internally at one time or another.  Guilt and shame are very unpleasant emotions to deal with and claim.  The most common way people sort through these emotions is pretending they do not exist or by stuffing them down deep inside.  Unfortunately, as a parent, by avoiding these emotions, they become the subconscious drive- responsible for many serial mistakes. They are the culprits robbing us from deep internal peace.  It is also impossible to be an effective parent when you are dealing with guilt or shame.  It is a mistake minefield.

According to wikipedia, the definition of shame means "to cover", figuratively or literally.  To "have shame" means that you maintain a sense of restraint against offending others.  Our values and societal norms are two ways that keep our restraint in check.  Having "no shame" means the boundaries are quite wide concerning moral behavior.  A poorly developed conscience, rebellion of authority or being without moral code, regarding faith or lawful respect could contribute to being shameless.  It refers to those who have excessive pride or hubris.  Unfortunately, there are infinite examples of shameless behavior in our world today.

There are also several categories of shame.  In order to gauge whether the shame we feel is appropriate or not, it important to consider the different categories of shame.  There is false shame.  This is when we attribute shame where it ought not be, feeling shame for something where it is not due.  When abuse is involved in the physical and sexual realm, this creates toxic shame, especially in children.  There is secret shame, which notates the obvious.  We are consciously hiding something. There is also vicarious shame which attributes shame to ourselves that belong to someone else.  Shame refers to the self.

Guilt on the other hand, refers to the action.  If we are trained properly, we will be able to discern if our actions warrant guilt.  Most children are naturally good at this because of their purity.  We taint this ability if we are conditioned poorly or our moral code is directed only at the self-or there is no moral code/ ethics to guide our lives by.  Most people naturally use their faith to guide their conscience.  Despite a strong faith, years of repeated sin will dull our ability keep our conscience strong and vigilant.

I have heard many people in today's world negate the benefits of these two emotions, as if there is no productive need for them.  We are told if someone is feeling these emotions, they must be feeling something wrong.  Justification and rationalization are the two most common weapons used to combat these emotions.  Although there are countless ways to justify these uncomfortable emotions,  justification doesn't work well at eradicating them. The fix is temporary and misleading.  Getting honest with yourself and others is the only way to truly eliminate these emotions.  You will need to evaluate whether these emotions are healthy in nature or not.  Excessive guilt and shame can be an undue burden not to mention a selfish indulgence.  If these emotions are not in check, you will likely be able to see the unhealthy fruits of these emotions in the form of anger, distress, depression, and unhealthy narcissism.

In any case, whether your emotions are appropriate or not, shame will keep you from looking in the mirror with pride and seeing someone you like and are proud of.  Making ordinary mistakes shouldn't cause shame...it is only when the offenses are grave against ourselves AND God that shame sneaks in.  Our dignity and goodness is shaken.  The core of who we are becomes unstable.  This always needs to be addressed.  The abundant life God wishes to give us fades away.  Joy is incompatible with shame.

I suggest that if you are feeling either of these unpleasant emotions, it is time to do some self- examination.  These emotions should be stop signs for you.  I personally believe they are a gift from God.  They are warning signals.  Our loving Father has given us specific tools to use to guide ourselves  in behavior and in moral code.  They are the bells that go off when something needs addressing or when you are headed in the wrong direction.  Some say it is only our conscience... but I say, they are whispers from God.  The commandments and beatitudes are God's external written code, giving us a concrete way to find Him.  Our emotions are gifts He has scripted inside of us to find him internally.  It is also how we know we are raised above the animal species and set apart from all other creation.

A very simple example of this mistake making minefield was when I was working full time when Melanie was little.  I felt very sad and guilty that I had to be away from her.  Though I had to work and there were no options, my justification for the guilt did not keep me from making serial mistakes.  We had no schedule in the evenings and I pretty much let her run the show.  She stayed up late and slept in my bed.  Big no-no's in the parenting world of routine and authority.  She knew she had me wrapped around her finger and that I was weak in the discipline arena when it came to bedtime...and probably other areas as well.  I felt guilty that I couldn't spend time with her in the daytime, so night-time was a night-mare.  I let all kinds of things go on that I would never do now.

For me, the only way to eradicate my guilt was to eventually be at home with her as soon as I could possibly do so...even at great financial sacrifice.  I really do not know how things would have panned out had I continued to work full-time.  I suspect I would have made more parenting errors to temporarily alleviate my guilt or I would have had to come to terms with my guilt in some way so that I could be at peace with my situation, which I was not.

If you are feeling either of these emotions, it is time to stop and think.  Is your guilt or shame affecting your behavior?  Are your negative emotions in the way of making good solid decisions?  Are these emotions impeding your ability to do what you know you should do for the best interest of yourself or your significant others?  If they are, then its time to make some changes, seek counseling or most importantly...go to confession to lift this emotional burden.  Identify if there is shame in your life.  If there is, deal with it honestly.  You will most likely have to go out of your comfort zone in dealing with this emotion.

Pay attention to your warning signs.  Do not ignore or rationalize them.  You will undoubtedly continue to make serial mistakes to placate these emotions at the expense of yourself and others.  Save yourself the time and trouble and deal with these emotions promptly.  Identify these emotions as the gifts they were meant to be.

Most importantly, I want you all to look in the mirror and smile at the person you see staring back at you.  After all, you have to live with that person each and every day of your life...no exceptions.  Your faith will not fail you in guiding your conscience.  Embrace it.

Love,
MOM