It was obvious fatherhood became very real at the precise moment he picked her up and tucked her into his strong arms. As with many fathers, the reality of fatherhood doesn't quite sink in without a baby to hold. Mothers, on the other hand, experience the reality of motherhood in a physical way much earlier due to the nature of pregnancy. The baby moves and squirms inside the belly, making the new life hard to ignore. I was certain Melanie would be a gymnast with all the prenatal back handsprings she seemed to be doing. Women have nine months to witness the abdomen swell to epic proportions, experience changes in appetite, adjust to disrupted sleep patterns, and heed the call of frequent bladder demands. These changes prepare mothers for the physical reality of impending motherhood. At the end of gestation, most mothers will tell you they are ready to give birth and eager to get the "show on the road." The beauty of God's timing and design for life finds its home uniquely engineered into the physical and emotional mechanics of a woman's body.
Though I was still unsure about the direction and details of my future, I was definitely ready to begin the journey of motherhood. Tony's love for Melanie was solid and I knew that being a father was the joy of his life. He was "hands on" from day one and was drawn to his new role as "daddy." We both had a strong support network in place and our families stepped up in every way. Strangers and friends donated items, people handmade and bought gifts to lift the burden of needs that accompany new life. With the outpouring of kindness and generosity from many contributors-known and unknown, I was beginning to feel as if my trembling feet were planted once again and touching solid ground. I felt optimistic about the future and could visualize goodness in my life. God's gentle love was cradling me as I rocked Melanie in my arms. My spiritual awakening was truly in the baby stages. Melanie and I would begin our journey together. Her infant days would mirror my spiritual birth into a journey toward truth. As Melanie nestled in my arms, I rested calmly in the Almighty.
I began thinking about God more and more, contemplating deep thoughts. Again, I was retreating within but this time without a heavy heart. Giving birth was a powerful experience and I could see the beauty of God's hand where I never had before. Being a woman afforded me a unique opportunity to see God, my personal faith, and the universal church in a meaningful and relational way. Some discoveries hit me fresh between the eyes. Pregnancy involved 3-TRImesters. The number three became significant to me as I saw the trinity anew. Christ was 30 years old (3 decades) when he began his ministry, and 33 when He died for us on the cross at 3:00 in the afternoon. I hadn't figured out what to do with these tidbits but was awestruck by the number three. God could easily speak to me in this new language. He had my attention and I was listening.
I began thinking about God more and more, contemplating deep thoughts. Again, I was retreating within but this time without a heavy heart. Giving birth was a powerful experience and I could see the beauty of God's hand where I never had before. Being a woman afforded me a unique opportunity to see God, my personal faith, and the universal church in a meaningful and relational way. Some discoveries hit me fresh between the eyes. Pregnancy involved 3-TRImesters. The number three became significant to me as I saw the trinity anew. Christ was 30 years old (3 decades) when he began his ministry, and 33 when He died for us on the cross at 3:00 in the afternoon. I hadn't figured out what to do with these tidbits but was awestruck by the number three. God could easily speak to me in this new language. He had my attention and I was listening.
It wasn't long before I could easily see how every human person is designed to be in relation to God and to one another. God provides physically for the most basic needs a baby requires to sustain life. It is impossible to nurse a baby without touch and affection. Every human needs the loving touch of another to thrive. Hunger is also a universal need which propels an instinctive cry for food. Melanie had a pretty good set of lungs and used them proficiently to relay her hunger. This hunger parallel made sense both spiritually and physically. I had cried out to God in moments of need. It was instinctive...almost pre-programmed. I began to thank God for my tears, in joy and sorrow, as it reminded me of my baptismal promises. Every time I cried, I was aware of the salty taste that preserved the knowledge that God was physically present to me. He was with me and in me.
God designed a built-in delivery system for nourishment. No human person could will or create a more perfect system of nutrition for a newborn. All nutritional needs in the womb come from the woman internally. After birth, milk flows from the breast. Once a baby can walk, it would eat 3 meals a day. Again, the number 3 popped in my mind. Spiritually, nutrition for the soul derives from the same divine source... Creator of all. As a Catholic, in community, we receive the richest spiritual food where Christ offers Himself again and again in the Holy Eucharist. I was beginning to see order.
Much later I would learn that "wisdom" and the "universal church" mentioned in scripture is always referred with the feminine pronoun. "He" and "She" points to God and His holy church respectively. This gender significance shed light on the indissoluble value of men and women uniquely created by God. It developed deeper still, signifying the union between God and His church, spawning life in Christ for all his children. The sacred bond between man and woman in the sacrament of marriage is a visible sign of God and His church. It is holy and good because it is created in His image.
This holy sacrament, with fidelity between each other, produces new life even if the union remains childless. The vow to remain open to life as a married couple and lovingly accept children from God, affirms the order where man cannot rise above his Creator. All authority and honor regarding the sacredness of life rightly belongs to the Father. This self-sacrificing love produces life in the marriage, in the family and in the church.
God designed a built-in delivery system for nourishment. No human person could will or create a more perfect system of nutrition for a newborn. All nutritional needs in the womb come from the woman internally. After birth, milk flows from the breast. Once a baby can walk, it would eat 3 meals a day. Again, the number 3 popped in my mind. Spiritually, nutrition for the soul derives from the same divine source... Creator of all. As a Catholic, in community, we receive the richest spiritual food where Christ offers Himself again and again in the Holy Eucharist. I was beginning to see order.
Much later I would learn that "wisdom" and the "universal church" mentioned in scripture is always referred with the feminine pronoun. "He" and "She" points to God and His holy church respectively. This gender significance shed light on the indissoluble value of men and women uniquely created by God. It developed deeper still, signifying the union between God and His church, spawning life in Christ for all his children. The sacred bond between man and woman in the sacrament of marriage is a visible sign of God and His church. It is holy and good because it is created in His image.
This holy sacrament, with fidelity between each other, produces new life even if the union remains childless. The vow to remain open to life as a married couple and lovingly accept children from God, affirms the order where man cannot rise above his Creator. All authority and honor regarding the sacredness of life rightly belongs to the Father. This self-sacrificing love produces life in the marriage, in the family and in the church.
In my infant stages, I was only able to "ooh and aaah" in wonder by new spiritual discoveries. I knew that God was love. Conversely, it was becoming clear that love is not necessarily God.
Once Melanie arrived, she had needs that had to be met, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually. Tony and I didn't want Melanie to simply survive but to thrive in goodness. Tony and I agreed to this wholeheartedly. This agreement required that sacrifices had to be made. The fact that we deeply desired only goodness for her made it easy to understand how God doesn't only want us to live life, but live life in abundance. He wants His children to have the best.
Though Tony and I would forgo romantic love and remain unmarried, we were able to maintain a mutual friendship with love. We also wanted good things for each other. In order to progress, we would have to mend our hurts and heal the pain we caused each other. We would not let ourselves be blinded by our selfish emotions. They could never be larger than our love for God nor surpass our love for Melanie. Selfishness, fear and jealousy do not reflect the essence of life giving love.
We had to take baby steps and trust that God would help us. We each put all of our energies into making life stable and secure so that Melanie could grow. We were both conscious that our words and actions must be congruent and we must have unity for her sake. We consulted each other respectfully in all matters regarding her parenting. We struggled at times yet it was God who strengthened and guided us.
I could never have predicted what God had in store for us. Twenty four years later, I would be sitting in a church, filling a pew (or two)with my husband and ten children-and future son-in-law, celebrating the sacrament of Holy Orders at Tony's ordination into the priesthood. Thankfully, I love surprises.
If you ever think your plans are great, check out the order of things. If they are in good order, God will deliver something more spectacular than you could ever dream. If you put yourself first and try to rearrange what rightly belongs to Him, you can expect to shortchange yourself every time.
I can not express in words how grateful I am for the goodness and wonders of God.
Love,
MOM
Once Melanie arrived, she had needs that had to be met, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually. Tony and I didn't want Melanie to simply survive but to thrive in goodness. Tony and I agreed to this wholeheartedly. This agreement required that sacrifices had to be made. The fact that we deeply desired only goodness for her made it easy to understand how God doesn't only want us to live life, but live life in abundance. He wants His children to have the best.
Though Tony and I would forgo romantic love and remain unmarried, we were able to maintain a mutual friendship with love. We also wanted good things for each other. In order to progress, we would have to mend our hurts and heal the pain we caused each other. We would not let ourselves be blinded by our selfish emotions. They could never be larger than our love for God nor surpass our love for Melanie. Selfishness, fear and jealousy do not reflect the essence of life giving love.
We had to take baby steps and trust that God would help us. We each put all of our energies into making life stable and secure so that Melanie could grow. We were both conscious that our words and actions must be congruent and we must have unity for her sake. We consulted each other respectfully in all matters regarding her parenting. We struggled at times yet it was God who strengthened and guided us.
I could never have predicted what God had in store for us. Twenty four years later, I would be sitting in a church, filling a pew (or two)with my husband and ten children-and future son-in-law, celebrating the sacrament of Holy Orders at Tony's ordination into the priesthood. Thankfully, I love surprises.
If you ever think your plans are great, check out the order of things. If they are in good order, God will deliver something more spectacular than you could ever dream. If you put yourself first and try to rearrange what rightly belongs to Him, you can expect to shortchange yourself every time.
I can not express in words how grateful I am for the goodness and wonders of God.
Love,
MOM
No comments:
Post a Comment