Temporarily out of order...part 2

In composing part 2, I have had extreme difficulty in deciding where to start.  All of the details during this time are still fresh, as if they happened yesterday.  I have guarded many of these details and still find them protected in my memory.  For years I have considered them very private, like sacred jewels given to me as a personal gift from God.  Though I treasure these jewels, I have come to know these gifts were not for me, alone.   I am obligated to share this experience with you.

When I found out I was expecting, I believe I was in a state of shock.  Being 20 years old, my age afforded me the maturity to know that the life inside of me was a human person.  I had no delusions about a positive result on a pregnancy test.  Nor was I immune to facing the responsibilities of creating this new life.  My thoughts immediately turned to the baby and my obligation to do what was right and good.  I was confused and stunned...but never confused about what happens when a women becomes pregnant.  Naturally, at the end of nine months, I would have a baby in my arms.  To think of this any other way, I would have had to take the brain out of my head.  Logic and reason, not to mention scientific physical proof, underscored the enormity of what was happening.  I knew another life depended on me and all decisions moving forward.  I could no longer morally proceed with only my intentions and goals.  I had an obligation to do what was right and good for this new life who was inextricably part of Tony and I...now and forever.  Any action taken from this day forward would always have a direct impact on the three of us.  I couldn't help think about our extended families as well.

When I broke the news to Tony, he was shaken yet strong. He immediately told his father.  I was both relieved and terrified.  Relieved that I no longer held this knowledge alone and terrified because it made  the situation very real.  We would both have to start making some important decisions.  I would have to break the news to your grandparents.  Tony bravely did all the talking as I sat there, unable to say a word.  I am forever grateful for his strength during this time.

Tony and I were in love.  We had proof.  We had told each other so- many times.  Yet, the inescapable fact that Tony and I were not married yet complicated the situation.  We had decided not to rush into marriage and both felt it would be unwise to make a hasty decision under the circumstances.  We were both in in complete agreement on this subject.  We also consulted the campus priest a few times for guidance and asked for prayers.

My superior ideas of reordering my spiritual  life were now in question.  Out of necessity, I had to revisit my brilliance and challenge my own values and beliefs.  What in the world did I believe?  What would become of my life plans?  Would I finish school?  Would Tony and I get married in the future?  Did we really love each other like we said we did?  What would life be like for our unborn baby?

All of these questions overwhelmed me.  So much that  I became very depressed by the weight of it all.  I felt like I was drowning in the sea of unknowns.  I tried to block out all the rambling questions bouncing around in my head.  I couldn't focus or concentrate on anything ...except that I had no answers to any of my questions.  I was extremely guarded and started retreating within myself.  I had contempt for anyone who prodded me for answers.  Though many people asked questions out of love, it only underscored how little I knew.  I had no answers and it terrified me.  It made me very angry to think people were discussing my situation so casually.  It was my life and I was defensive and protective of it.  To say I was difficult during this period is an understatement.

When I came home at semester break, my mother had gotten the name of a counselor at the local Birthright Counseling Center from our parish priest.  I felt confident this was a concrete place for Tony and I to start sorting out questions and getting in tune with the course of action we should take.  I felt relieved to be placed under the guidance of someone who was familiar with our situation and could walk us through our options and offer objective advice.  I was completely incapable of doing anything constructive in my state of mind.  I did not return to school.  Tony and I started visiting the counselor once a week.

We were given homework at the end of each session.  We were to make two lists of pros and cons. One for keeping the baby and one for giving the baby up for adoption.  Those were the only two options to discuss.  Because of my age and desire to eventually be a mother, I leaned heavily toward keeping the baby.  Though I was still young and a bit of an emotional mess,  I was confident in my ability to be a mother.  I knew I had a lot of love to give.  I had pages of pros yet I could only see one drawback.  It just happened to be major, and that was financial.  How would I care for a baby with no husband, no degree, and no job.

Tony, on the other hand, was less convinced that I was prepared for such an undertaking.  Because we decided to wait on marriage, he felt that a stable home with both a married, loving mother and father would be best for the baby.  He and I had similar pros and cons- they were just in different columns.  We both agreed that we wanted what was best for the baby, but couldn't agree on what was best.

Tony and I were still proceeding as a couple but things were becoming strained.  We were realizing how very little we knew each other.  The stress was taking a toll.  The crisis was bringing out the worst in both of us.  The stakes were very high and we were both protective of ourselves and our points of view.  I was starting to grasp why the order of marriage before children was such a blessed order.  I craved unity.

During this time we both reached some pretty serious lows.  My pregnancy was progressing and we still could not come up with a plan.  I was in tears most of the time.  My face was breaking out in hives.  Tony took over his fathers produce business and was working hard to pay for the prenatal care and plan for the future, which was still up in the air.  He was getting counsel from his family and I was leaning on mine.  My due date was approaching without a consensus, so grandma and grandpa stepped in to help sort out what was weighing on my mind.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table and my dad asked me to try and pinpoint the one thing that was holding me back from making a decision.  I told him that it was financial.  I knew I could do it.  I just didn't know how.  Though Tony was participating in all of the sessions, we were at a crossroad.  Our future as a couple remained uncertain.  Though I never believed he would abandon me or the baby, I wondered what would happen if he did.  I would have some serious difficulties financially doing it all alone.   Grandpa asked,  "If I took the financial worry out of the equation, then what? What would you chose?"  Without a doubt, I said with absolute confidence, that I would keep the baby.  He then told me  my parents would be there to help me financially if there was ever a need.

At that moment, I felt a peace beyond understanding.  I now know the source of that peace came directly from God.  The holy spirit was palpable.  My parents love for me was a visible sign of God's holy and sacrificial love. I had been given many signs about the direction to take, only I couldn't see them.  Fear was clouding everything.  In an instant, all of my fear vanished and I knew this was the right direction.  Though there was still plenty to fear, I was no longer gripped by it.  I was starting to see clearly.

Spiritually, it was as if the top of my head opened and volumes of theology dropped inside...just like that.  An infusion of knowledge about God and the mysteries of the faith suddenly crystalized.  It has taken me years to realize just how extensive this gift has been.  I experienced a profound spiritual awakening just after I silently vowed to God that I would no longer follow my own order.  I surrendered to Him completely in thanksgiving for direction.  I wouldn't move a muscle without His lead or consult church doctrine in any other matter in my life.  I audibly heard a soft voice in my soul..."Place your trust in me."

The glaring errors in my previous thought process began hitting me over the head like a hammer.  The missing component in my order was commitment.  Commitment to God and commitment to each other. My arrogance was embarrassing.  Why did I think I could reorder something that was strictly God's business?  I was humbled to the point of tears but extremely joyful.  I couldn't wait to put myself in His loving care.  The weight of the world was lifted and I couldn't wait to tell Tony.

Story continued in part 3...

Love,
MOM