Temporarily out of order...part 2

In composing part 2, I have had extreme difficulty in deciding where to start.  All of the details during this time are still fresh, as if they happened yesterday.  I have guarded many of these details and still find them protected in my memory.  For years I have considered them very private, like sacred jewels given to me as a personal gift from God.  Though I treasure these jewels, I have come to know these gifts were not for me, alone.   I am obligated to share this experience with you.

When I found out I was expecting, I believe I was in a state of shock.  Being 20 years old, my age afforded me the maturity to know that the life inside of me was a human person.  I had no delusions about a positive result on a pregnancy test.  Nor was I immune to facing the responsibilities of creating this new life.  My thoughts immediately turned to the baby and my obligation to do what was right and good.  I was confused and stunned...but never confused about what happens when a women becomes pregnant.  Naturally, at the end of nine months, I would have a baby in my arms.  To think of this any other way, I would have had to take the brain out of my head.  Logic and reason, not to mention scientific physical proof, underscored the enormity of what was happening.  I knew another life depended on me and all decisions moving forward.  I could no longer morally proceed with only my intentions and goals.  I had an obligation to do what was right and good for this new life who was inextricably part of Tony and I...now and forever.  Any action taken from this day forward would always have a direct impact on the three of us.  I couldn't help think about our extended families as well.

When I broke the news to Tony, he was shaken yet strong. He immediately told his father.  I was both relieved and terrified.  Relieved that I no longer held this knowledge alone and terrified because it made  the situation very real.  We would both have to start making some important decisions.  I would have to break the news to your grandparents.  Tony bravely did all the talking as I sat there, unable to say a word.  I am forever grateful for his strength during this time.

Tony and I were in love.  We had proof.  We had told each other so- many times.  Yet, the inescapable fact that Tony and I were not married yet complicated the situation.  We had decided not to rush into marriage and both felt it would be unwise to make a hasty decision under the circumstances.  We were both in in complete agreement on this subject.  We also consulted the campus priest a few times for guidance and asked for prayers.

My superior ideas of reordering my spiritual  life were now in question.  Out of necessity, I had to revisit my brilliance and challenge my own values and beliefs.  What in the world did I believe?  What would become of my life plans?  Would I finish school?  Would Tony and I get married in the future?  Did we really love each other like we said we did?  What would life be like for our unborn baby?

All of these questions overwhelmed me.  So much that  I became very depressed by the weight of it all.  I felt like I was drowning in the sea of unknowns.  I tried to block out all the rambling questions bouncing around in my head.  I couldn't focus or concentrate on anything ...except that I had no answers to any of my questions.  I was extremely guarded and started retreating within myself.  I had contempt for anyone who prodded me for answers.  Though many people asked questions out of love, it only underscored how little I knew.  I had no answers and it terrified me.  It made me very angry to think people were discussing my situation so casually.  It was my life and I was defensive and protective of it.  To say I was difficult during this period is an understatement.

When I came home at semester break, my mother had gotten the name of a counselor at the local Birthright Counseling Center from our parish priest.  I felt confident this was a concrete place for Tony and I to start sorting out questions and getting in tune with the course of action we should take.  I felt relieved to be placed under the guidance of someone who was familiar with our situation and could walk us through our options and offer objective advice.  I was completely incapable of doing anything constructive in my state of mind.  I did not return to school.  Tony and I started visiting the counselor once a week.

We were given homework at the end of each session.  We were to make two lists of pros and cons. One for keeping the baby and one for giving the baby up for adoption.  Those were the only two options to discuss.  Because of my age and desire to eventually be a mother, I leaned heavily toward keeping the baby.  Though I was still young and a bit of an emotional mess,  I was confident in my ability to be a mother.  I knew I had a lot of love to give.  I had pages of pros yet I could only see one drawback.  It just happened to be major, and that was financial.  How would I care for a baby with no husband, no degree, and no job.

Tony, on the other hand, was less convinced that I was prepared for such an undertaking.  Because we decided to wait on marriage, he felt that a stable home with both a married, loving mother and father would be best for the baby.  He and I had similar pros and cons- they were just in different columns.  We both agreed that we wanted what was best for the baby, but couldn't agree on what was best.

Tony and I were still proceeding as a couple but things were becoming strained.  We were realizing how very little we knew each other.  The stress was taking a toll.  The crisis was bringing out the worst in both of us.  The stakes were very high and we were both protective of ourselves and our points of view.  I was starting to grasp why the order of marriage before children was such a blessed order.  I craved unity.

During this time we both reached some pretty serious lows.  My pregnancy was progressing and we still could not come up with a plan.  I was in tears most of the time.  My face was breaking out in hives.  Tony took over his fathers produce business and was working hard to pay for the prenatal care and plan for the future, which was still up in the air.  He was getting counsel from his family and I was leaning on mine.  My due date was approaching without a consensus, so grandma and grandpa stepped in to help sort out what was weighing on my mind.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table and my dad asked me to try and pinpoint the one thing that was holding me back from making a decision.  I told him that it was financial.  I knew I could do it.  I just didn't know how.  Though Tony was participating in all of the sessions, we were at a crossroad.  Our future as a couple remained uncertain.  Though I never believed he would abandon me or the baby, I wondered what would happen if he did.  I would have some serious difficulties financially doing it all alone.   Grandpa asked,  "If I took the financial worry out of the equation, then what? What would you chose?"  Without a doubt, I said with absolute confidence, that I would keep the baby.  He then told me  my parents would be there to help me financially if there was ever a need.

At that moment, I felt a peace beyond understanding.  I now know the source of that peace came directly from God.  The holy spirit was palpable.  My parents love for me was a visible sign of God's holy and sacrificial love. I had been given many signs about the direction to take, only I couldn't see them.  Fear was clouding everything.  In an instant, all of my fear vanished and I knew this was the right direction.  Though there was still plenty to fear, I was no longer gripped by it.  I was starting to see clearly.

Spiritually, it was as if the top of my head opened and volumes of theology dropped inside...just like that.  An infusion of knowledge about God and the mysteries of the faith suddenly crystalized.  It has taken me years to realize just how extensive this gift has been.  I experienced a profound spiritual awakening just after I silently vowed to God that I would no longer follow my own order.  I surrendered to Him completely in thanksgiving for direction.  I wouldn't move a muscle without His lead or consult church doctrine in any other matter in my life.  I audibly heard a soft voice in my soul..."Place your trust in me."

The glaring errors in my previous thought process began hitting me over the head like a hammer.  The missing component in my order was commitment.  Commitment to God and commitment to each other. My arrogance was embarrassing.  Why did I think I could reorder something that was strictly God's business?  I was humbled to the point of tears but extremely joyful.  I couldn't wait to put myself in His loving care.  The weight of the world was lifted and I couldn't wait to tell Tony.

Story continued in part 3...

Love,
MOM

Temporarily out of order...part 1

Twenty four years ago to the month, I unknowingly sat upon the edge of my spiritual conversion.  This event was monumental.  It changed the course of my life.  It has changed the course of all your lives.  This simple conversion changed my heart, mind and soul.  I was gently redirected and set back on solid ground.   I was twenty years old and oblivious that my life was temporarily "out of order." God spoke to me, loudly and lovingly.

As I began my senior year of college,  I returned to campus eager to finish up my studies as a graphic design major.  I was full of hopes and dreams for my future.  I had ambitions of traveling the world after graduation.  I would secure an exciting job in the world of design after I traveled a bit.  Then, I would get married and have a family after my career was in full swing. I would have some money in the bank.  I was dating someone I was in love with and our relationship was dreamy.  We were in love.  My plans were progressing  and I was assured I had it all figured out.  I was on track with all of my goals... except in my spiritual life.  I didn't actually have any goals for my spiritual life.  I just accepted my spirituality as an accessory to all other pressing, worldly goals.  It was something I could simply put on and take off when needed...like a pretty scarf.

I accepted my identity and spirituality as being distictly Catholic.  I was a baptized, confirmed, eucharist- receiving believer.  I loved God very much and believed in the bible.  I was raised Catholic and spent my grade school and highschool years in Catholic education.  I grew up attending mass every Sunday.  Almost everyone I knew was Catholic. Though I identified myself as Catholic, I consciously made up a few new spiritual rules for myself.  I thought my reasoning was completely logical, despite the fact I wasn't in line with many of the teachings of the church.

In reality, I wasn't very Catholic at all.  I practiced orthodox relativism.  I took the liberty of assessing tenets of the faith I thought were outdated and threw them out.  After all, I was a "modern woman" and the church's teaching on abstinence and moral absolutes were a little outdated in my view.  Chastity was a virtue of the past.  How hard was it to be chaste when people married so young- in biblical times?  Surely, God didn't account for the feminist movement, where women traveled, and married so much later in life.  Observing the sabbath...well, God knew I was a busy college student and I had studying to do.  Homosexuality?  That lifestyle was a preference.  Who was I to judge -so long as they chose to love?  Love is good, right?  God is love.  That was an easy one.  Birth control... a non-issue.  Of course it was permissible.  I just didn't see any down side there.  Many of my moral, loving, good friends were on the pill.  I didn't really think too much about it.  New advancements in science...how wonderful.  Abortion? Even though it was legal,  I knew that abortion was killing a baby...Period.  Yet, fear kept me from ever proclaiming this truth.  I was afraid of my own strength to choose life if ever had to choose.  Surely, this was a personal matter where I was unqualified to judge.  I didn't want to sound cruel and judgemental.  I was unwittingly attached to the vice of human respect.  I sympathized greatly with anyone forced to make this decision.  So, I always remained silent on this one.  Many other challenging moral questions never hit my radar.  I was focused on my goals.

As you can see, I was pretty comfortable rearranging the order of things.  I also didn't spend much time and effort getting to know what the church taught- nor why. Turns out,  I was either asleep or deaf during my catechism classes.  My order was working out just fine.  I was a good person.  I believed in God.  I, being an enlightened college student, was capable of making judgements for myself.  I also consulted the wisest people I knew...my brilliant friends.  They were extremely smart.  I concluded this fact since we unanimously agreed on all contemporary issues of our day...at least the ones we cared most about.  I was reassured by their approval and great knowledge of all things relating to God.  None of whom were majoring in theology, reading church doctrine or even practicing the faith, I might add.

My plans were moving along quite well and graduation was right around the corner.  I was in the home stretch.  It was one month into my senior year in college, when plans changed.  I found out I was expecting your sister Melanie.   My perfect plans came to a screeching halt.  Thankfully, not before God took my hand and whispered in my ear.  He lovingly and gently reordered my plans and my life.

I thank God everyday for this radical correction.

Love,
Mom

Story continued in part 2...

Guilt and Shame...Gifts from God?

This topic is one that many parents do not spend much time thinking about with regards to themselves, let alone spend time teaching their children about.  The emotions of guilt and shame are universal and we all have had to deal with them internally at one time or another.  Guilt and shame are very unpleasant emotions to deal with and claim.  The most common way people sort through these emotions is pretending they do not exist or by stuffing them down deep inside.  Unfortunately, as a parent, by avoiding these emotions, they become the subconscious drive- responsible for many serial mistakes. They are the culprits robbing us from deep internal peace.  It is also impossible to be an effective parent when you are dealing with guilt or shame.  It is a mistake minefield.

According to wikipedia, the definition of shame means "to cover", figuratively or literally.  To "have shame" means that you maintain a sense of restraint against offending others.  Our values and societal norms are two ways that keep our restraint in check.  Having "no shame" means the boundaries are quite wide concerning moral behavior.  A poorly developed conscience, rebellion of authority or being without moral code, regarding faith or lawful respect could contribute to being shameless.  It refers to those who have excessive pride or hubris.  Unfortunately, there are infinite examples of shameless behavior in our world today.

There are also several categories of shame.  In order to gauge whether the shame we feel is appropriate or not, it important to consider the different categories of shame.  There is false shame.  This is when we attribute shame where it ought not be, feeling shame for something where it is not due.  When abuse is involved in the physical and sexual realm, this creates toxic shame, especially in children.  There is secret shame, which notates the obvious.  We are consciously hiding something. There is also vicarious shame which attributes shame to ourselves that belong to someone else.  Shame refers to the self.

Guilt on the other hand, refers to the action.  If we are trained properly, we will be able to discern if our actions warrant guilt.  Most children are naturally good at this because of their purity.  We taint this ability if we are conditioned poorly or our moral code is directed only at the self-or there is no moral code/ ethics to guide our lives by.  Most people naturally use their faith to guide their conscience.  Despite a strong faith, years of repeated sin will dull our ability keep our conscience strong and vigilant.

I have heard many people in today's world negate the benefits of these two emotions, as if there is no productive need for them.  We are told if someone is feeling these emotions, they must be feeling something wrong.  Justification and rationalization are the two most common weapons used to combat these emotions.  Although there are countless ways to justify these uncomfortable emotions,  justification doesn't work well at eradicating them. The fix is temporary and misleading.  Getting honest with yourself and others is the only way to truly eliminate these emotions.  You will need to evaluate whether these emotions are healthy in nature or not.  Excessive guilt and shame can be an undue burden not to mention a selfish indulgence.  If these emotions are not in check, you will likely be able to see the unhealthy fruits of these emotions in the form of anger, distress, depression, and unhealthy narcissism.

In any case, whether your emotions are appropriate or not, shame will keep you from looking in the mirror with pride and seeing someone you like and are proud of.  Making ordinary mistakes shouldn't cause shame...it is only when the offenses are grave against ourselves AND God that shame sneaks in.  Our dignity and goodness is shaken.  The core of who we are becomes unstable.  This always needs to be addressed.  The abundant life God wishes to give us fades away.  Joy is incompatible with shame.

I suggest that if you are feeling either of these unpleasant emotions, it is time to do some self- examination.  These emotions should be stop signs for you.  I personally believe they are a gift from God.  They are warning signals.  Our loving Father has given us specific tools to use to guide ourselves  in behavior and in moral code.  They are the bells that go off when something needs addressing or when you are headed in the wrong direction.  Some say it is only our conscience... but I say, they are whispers from God.  The commandments and beatitudes are God's external written code, giving us a concrete way to find Him.  Our emotions are gifts He has scripted inside of us to find him internally.  It is also how we know we are raised above the animal species and set apart from all other creation.

A very simple example of this mistake making minefield was when I was working full time when Melanie was little.  I felt very sad and guilty that I had to be away from her.  Though I had to work and there were no options, my justification for the guilt did not keep me from making serial mistakes.  We had no schedule in the evenings and I pretty much let her run the show.  She stayed up late and slept in my bed.  Big no-no's in the parenting world of routine and authority.  She knew she had me wrapped around her finger and that I was weak in the discipline arena when it came to bedtime...and probably other areas as well.  I felt guilty that I couldn't spend time with her in the daytime, so night-time was a night-mare.  I let all kinds of things go on that I would never do now.

For me, the only way to eradicate my guilt was to eventually be at home with her as soon as I could possibly do so...even at great financial sacrifice.  I really do not know how things would have panned out had I continued to work full-time.  I suspect I would have made more parenting errors to temporarily alleviate my guilt or I would have had to come to terms with my guilt in some way so that I could be at peace with my situation, which I was not.

If you are feeling either of these emotions, it is time to stop and think.  Is your guilt or shame affecting your behavior?  Are your negative emotions in the way of making good solid decisions?  Are these emotions impeding your ability to do what you know you should do for the best interest of yourself or your significant others?  If they are, then its time to make some changes, seek counseling or most importantly...go to confession to lift this emotional burden.  Identify if there is shame in your life.  If there is, deal with it honestly.  You will most likely have to go out of your comfort zone in dealing with this emotion.

Pay attention to your warning signs.  Do not ignore or rationalize them.  You will undoubtedly continue to make serial mistakes to placate these emotions at the expense of yourself and others.  Save yourself the time and trouble and deal with these emotions promptly.  Identify these emotions as the gifts they were meant to be.

Most importantly, I want you all to look in the mirror and smile at the person you see staring back at you.  After all, you have to live with that person each and every day of your life...no exceptions.  Your faith will not fail you in guiding your conscience.  Embrace it.

Love,
MOM

Discerning Vocations-How "I knew" dad was the one.

Now that several of you have reached the age of 18, and several more you are skipping happily through puberty, the subject of vocation discernment seems timely.  Melanie's recent engagement and call to marriage was happily received by the whole family.  You have also witnessed Tony's discernment and call to the priesthood.  We eagerly await his ordination coming up in June.

In discerning your vocation, whether it be religious life, married life or living a single life- the first order of contemplation should be meditating upon what each of these states in life require from you...not  what you will receive from them.  If you are choosing a vocation to get away from something, you probably haven't discerned long and hard enough about where God wants you to be. You need to be running "toward" something...not away.  Your state in life should always be bringing you toward God and to a vocation where your gifts move you and others closer to Him.

Over the years, you have all heard the story about how dad and I met.  Yet many of you haven't heard how I "knew" he was the one.  After dating a while, I went with dad to visit his grandpa in the hospital.  I had only met his grandparents once or twice before.  I knew his grandpa had epilepsy and was in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's.  He took a bad fall in the nursing home and broke his arm.  It was a terrible break and one that required surgery.

When we arrived,  his grandma was lovingly flitting about his bed.  She was fluffing his pillows and trying her best to make him comfortable.  She was checking on his meds and chatting with the nurses.  She stroked his hair when he moaned in pain.  She kept telling him how she loved him, reminding him that she was there.  It appeared that he was very agitated and confused.  Perhaps he didn't even know her name.  Her loving care did not groan, or grumble.  She just loved him with all her might and took care of him with every ounce she had.  She showered her love despite his inability to love her in the same way.  She was a visual picture of the gospel.  She was living out her marriage vows with incredible beauty.  Her love was the epitome of hope and charity.  This sight was very moving to me.

In between watching her spoon feeding grandpa and her gracious welcome to us, I "knew."   This was true love...being able to love and expect nothing in return.  Loving for "loves" sake and for the sake of God.  Grandma loves God with her heart and soul.  It was as if a light bulb went off and I knew what I could do and would do -for dad.  I held that kind of love for him.  I knew I loved God this much.  I was drawn to it and committed to it.  Even though there were numerous reasons why I love dad (too numerous to mention:), it was as if something clicked and I knew what "I" had to offer him.  Lord knows, I was broke...I only had myself and my love to offer.  I just had to wait for him to pop the question.  It was a life changing day.

Knowing yourself is very important.  It should be a project you are always working on.  Do you have what it takes to live the gospel?  Do you have what it takes to fulfill your commitment to God in the holy sacrament of marriage?  Hopefully you choose someone who understands love in this same manner.  Will you love God enough to love without getting anything in return-no matter what state in life you choose?  This is a tall order but one that reaps enormously when we are not seeking to receive...only when we focus on the giving.  This is what is required if you want to experience true love.  It is what is required if you are committed to God.  If you know yourself well, you will know where your gifts can bring that kind of love to the world.

I hope you all carefully discern your vocation and are scrupulous about knowing yourself.  I hope you will pluck out what holds you back from loving in this way.  I hope you encounter people who will inspire you to "know" where you are called to be. ( Thank you Grandma -"Nani GG"!)  The fruit of her love is 10 great grandchildren.  See what you can receive when your aim is to give?  I thank God she was able to show me this kind of love...you are here because of it!

Love,
MOM

What is wrong with your face?

The truth.  The quintessential search for meaning.  This search has taken man on a wild ride through the ages.  As I sit here and think of all the knowledge gained, debated and discarded through the ages, I laugh.  I laugh thinking about all of the great thinkers of past and present.  They obviously didn't have a four year old in the house.

"What is wrong with your face?"
Hmmm.  Not exactly Socrates or Plato... but still...how do you answer that?  This question seems to be coming up quite a bit these days for John Paul.  I sit on pins and needles everytime I bump into a lady from church who is blessed with the experience that comes with age and who has the facial wrinkles to prove it.  Each and everytime he meets someone in the senior arena or greets grandma for a visit, I can see it coming.  The stare, the furrowed brow...and then there it is- out in the open.  The raw unfiltered truth.  "What is wrong with your face?"

The questions, questions and multitude of questions that flow as a child.  There in the questions lie the answers.  What makes us so curious?  Why are we born to seek and know?  Why aren't we satisfied with any old answer?  No...we want the truth.  If we are tenacious enough, we won't stop until we are satisfied.  This plain and simple truth about the truth should be your first indicator that God exists.  He's not complicated.  He makes it pretty simple.  Almost as simple as the wrinkles on your face.

“Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. "

If the questions don't get you, just hang around here a little while and wait for the statements.
"Mom?"  John Paul says as he's poking my less than toned upper arm,  "You're really bouncy!"  Yes, bouncy is definitely an adjective I can live with.  It's pretty awesome and humbling to be living with the truth 24/7.

Thank you all for keeping me so close to the kingdom.   I am deeply grateful and always humbled...even when I'm not trying to be.

Love,
(your bouncy) MOM

Crumbs and Confession

Having children means there will always be crumbs...lots of crumbs.  During the twenty years I have been living with crumbs, I have discovered it's benefits.  There is always an inexaustible buffet for the little ones crawling around and it keeps the vacuum close at hand.  It also reminds me of the sacrament of confession.

When Garrett was a baby, his personality as a wild child was evident from the start.  He was fearless in every way, except when it came to the vacuum.  He would climb on tables, jump into the pool like a mad man and loved to swing high in the baby swing.  Yet, he was petrified of the vacuum.

One day, when  Garrett had a party with the family size box of cheerios, I plugged in the always handy vacuum.  He crawled right along side me curious about this contraption.  When I turned it on and started sucking the mounds of cheerios, he let out a scream and bawled hysterically.  He crawled so fast you would have thought he saw a monster.  Every time I got close to him, he crawled as fast as he could to get away.  The sight of his irrational terror made me laugh.

It also made me think about the sacrament of confession.  Here I was, using this instrument to clean the carpet and Garrett couldn't scoot fast enough to get away from it.  How often do we avoid the sacramental instrument we have at our disposal to clean our souls?  The great gift of confession gives us a clean heart and the ability to receive grace from God.  But we run from it like scared, irrational children.

The noise from a vacuum is a little scary and loud for a small child. But in the end, there is a clean carpet that emerges from this harmless appliance.  Reflecting on our sins causes noise in the soul and disturbs our peace.  We are forced to face ourselves and our shortcomings.  This can be like encountering a monster at times.  But in the end, there is absolution and a weight that is lifted from our souls.  A clean heart to start new.  Asking and receiving forgiveness always brings peace and grace.

This desire for peace and grace is something all people crave, even if they do not have the sacrament of confession to employ.  I am grateful to have this sacrament as a Catholic.  I had a conversation with a friend (non-catholic) who was doing some painting for me that made me understand the importance of forgiveness, no matter what faith you belong.  Since we were friends, we were chatting about our families and she was telling me about her mother.  There was a strained relationship, mostly on her mothers end.  She revealed to me that when she was a teenager, she became pregnant as a sixteen year old.  Her parents, though christians, encouraged and facilitated an abortion for her.  They felt that was what she needed to do.  My friend sadly complied under the guidance of her parents.  Though years had passed and not a word was ever spoken, my friend said she felt her mother was still dealing with the guilt of the decision.  My friend had asked God for forgiveness and had received counseling from the Rachael Project.  She had peace and forgiveness for herself and her parents.  The fruit of her forgiveness was peace.  Only her mother was still holding guilt which affected their relationship.  I had asked her if she might want to tell her mother that she forgave her for the decision she made so many years ago.  It did not occur to her, but I knew how important it is to hear the words out loud.  During confession, the most freeing part is hearing the words of absolution which proceeds the penance given to make reparation.  It is part of the spiritual healing we crave that leads to peace.  I believe in God's infinite mercy no matter what faith you belong, but I am especially grateful for the grace of the sacrament as a Catholic.  There is no deeper feeling of peace than hearing the words spoken out loud from the vessel of Christ,  "You are forgiven, In the name of the father, son and holy spirit."  Since God created us and knows what we need, Christ graciously instituted this sacrament for our spiritual well being.

So the next time you get out the vacuum, I hope it reminds you of the sacrament of confession.  Keep it handy and be reminded to use this sacramental gift.  It is irrational to stay away from it.  It may make you laugh now when you think of how absurd it is to run away from it.  If your house is full of crumbs-do not worry.  It is better to have a clean heart than a clean floor.  Just keep the "vacuum" nearby, it is an important tool to have in your spiritual tool box.

Love,
MOM

Faye Wilson

Everyone has a life story. Even though I love to read, real life can be more  fascinating than any novel I have ever read.  You can learn amazing things from the most unsuspecting people if you become more interested in listening and less interested in speaking.  You don't have to go to exotic places to hear interesting and amazing things.  Everyday life presents scores of opportunity to meet and talk to interesting people.  All you have to do is ask the right questions and give a little of your time.  Some encounters are divine and leave lasting impressions.  Some teach us with their stories.  Faye Wilson was one these people.

When we rolled into Houston for spring break, it was early in the morning.  After settling everyone at Melanie's apartment, dad and I checked into the hotel nearby to get some rest.  The next day was St. Patricks day and everyone was buzzing outside the hotel getting ready for the big parade.  After a good nights sleep, I woke up early the next day and went outside to see what was going on.  I sat quietly on a bench outside the hotel watching people.  I was alone on the bench...until Faye Wilson walked by.

I could tell he was a homeless man by his backpack.  He came over to the ashcan looking for cigarette butts that were still smokable.  As he picked at the butts, he found a few with a couple of puffs left.  As he plopped down on the ground, he looked straight at me and blurted with a big smile, "Can I tell you something?"

I said, "Sure", curious about what he was going to say.

He said, " I am HIV positive in the advanced stage.  I am homeless and I've been homeless for several years.  I am looking to get a spot at the HIV clinic on 5th and Main.  If I can get in, I will have a bed and bus card.  I will also get to have a shower.  They will assign me a case worker to help me get my medications. I have to prepay $7.00 for a week stay.  So far, I only have a dollar."

I did not have my purse with me, so it was not awkward to tell him I had nothing to give him right away. It also allowed me some time to talk to him and hear his story.  I wanted to know more.

I asked him how he contracted AIDS.  He told me very honestly that he was a lost soul in the 1990's.  He said he did everything wrong.  He was promiscuous and I suspect he was a drug user.  He told me he found out his HIV status when he was at a clinic giving plasma for cash...perhaps to fuel a drug habit.  The doctor came in with a folder and shut the door.  He knew right away it was bad news.  He left the office and got stoned out of his mind.  His world came crashing down.  He was in his mid twenties- the prime of his life.  He talked about how he handled things back then and how life is so different for him now.  Being homeless gives a person plenty of time to pray and think about God.  He and Jesus are best friends.  He talked about his faith and had wisdom about scripture.  He knew the bible well and understood it's message. He spoke about forgiveness and his personal journey of healing.

He told me about life as a homeless person.  I asked him where he goes to shower and about the challenges of being homeless.  I really wanted to know where he used the restroom.  He smiled at me and said,  "When I first became homeless, I had to get used to people treating me like a piece of trash...they would shoo me away and look disgusted when they saw me.  At first, it made me angry.  My pride made me an angry man.  Now I feel sorry for those people and I pray for them.  I am not angry anymore." I imagined how many times I've looked away from a homeless person.  He said, "I know I am a human being and a cherished son of God.  God gave me a lot of gifts and one of those gifts is bravery and courage.  I just walk right in a shop and use the rest room if I have to.  If they turn me away, I go to the next one.  My homeless friends say "Faye, you can't go in there...and I just say -I am not afraid.  All they can do is tell me no."  He told me that you get pretty resourceful when you have to and he prays to God for help everyday.  He told me he simply prays, "Lord, please put the right people in my path today."  His openness and his general happiness told me he had peace with himself, with God and with his life.  He didn't sound corny or crazy.  He was very real.

He said "you know what I really want to get away from?"  I thought of a bazillion scary things he might want to get away from.  But I said,"No, what?"  Faye said, "the ducks."  The ducks really were bothersome when he tried to sleep under the bridge near the viaduct.  He said they just poop everywhere and they really stink.  They were pretty noisy too.  We both laughed hard at that.  I imagined trying to sleep with ducks quacking around in my bedroom.

I continued to ask questions about his family.  He told me how many brothers and sisters he had.  He told me that he was close to his mother but when he contracted AIDS, his family started acting different toward him.  They were afraid of getting AIDS too and he felt it was better if he just left.  He told me he used to be in the culinary business and with his status he can no longer work around food and sharp knives.  He missed earning a living but with his medical condition he couldn't find steady work.  I didn't ask much more about that.

I asked about his father.  He said he knew who he was but he never "knew" him.  When he said this,  he looked away as if he was imagining his father in his mind.  His eyes filled with tears.  I asked him if that bothered him- never knowing his own father.  He said, "Yes- I don't think about him often but when I do, I wish he could have known me.  I would have like to have known him too.  I am 46 years old and I've only seen my father twice."  I suspect his abandonment was a source of emptiness his whole life, even if it was buried down deep. He smiled really big as if he knew he had to let it go.

I asked him how he stayed so positive.  I wanted to know if it was hard to fight the demons of desperation and survival.  He just leaned back and smiled.  "I walk around with grace on one shoulder and mercy on the other."  I smiled right back at him.  What a great formula!  I told him, "Even though you are homeless, you have a peace in your heart that money can not buy.  You have what many rich men will never know." We both smiled and knew that was true.

Just then a very large man came up to us from the hotel.  He towered down at Faye and said, "I'm sorry but you are going to have to leave the premises.  We do not allow you to talk to our guests.  You have to leave now." He hovered about Faye like he was the piece of trash he described.  It was extremely awkward and I felt hot inside.  I felt bad that Faye dealt with this daily...being unwanted and being treated less than human.  I was keenly aware of his humiliation more than ever.  I have never known it myself but this experience gave me a good taste.  I didn't like it at all.

I said, "It's OK.  He's not bothering me, I want to talk to him."  The security gaurd looked at me for a long time.  He didn't want to offend one of his customers but he really wanted Faye to leave.  I don't think the guard could figure out what to do, so he left quietly.

Our conversation lasted two hours.  When I had to leave, I told Faye to wait across the street at the catholic church.  I didn't want him to be harassed by the security gaurd while I went inside to get him some food and 3 weeks pay for the clinic.  I scooped up the largest breakfast buffet I could squeeze into one "to go" box and pulled 21.00 out of my wallet from up in my room.  He looked like the happiest person I had ever seen when I handed him the big bag of food.  I knew it would last him for days.  I don't know if he ever used the money for the clinic but I suspect he was telling me the truth.  There was something special about him.  He loved the Lord and sang several songs for me.  He was a good singer and sang with such joy.  I gave him a big hug and said goodbye.  He apologized for smelling bad but I didn't notice any odor.  As I left, he said "We may not ever see each other again on earth, but I will be looking for you in heaven."  I smiled and felt goosebumps rise up on my neck.  He spoke what I had been thinking as I rode down the elevator.  I imagined Faye clothed like a king and draped in jewels.  He would have a very special place in heaven, perhaps at the right hand of the Father.  After all, his name means "Faith."

Love,
MOM

Faye is also the English form of the old French Foy, meaning "faith" (from the Latin 'fides'). Sainte Foy was a French martyr who lived in Agen, in 300 AD.